Scott (parallax13) wrote,

I am slowly becoming more and more used to the idea that Lauren will not play as big a role in my life as I always envisioned her being, which I'm not particularly happy about. Despite the fact that this has by far been the most painful experience of my recent life, the last thing I ever wanted to do was become numb, but that's exactly what is happening. I see Lauren becoming the next Valerie in my life, someone who was once closer to me that anyone else I know, but for whom I now hardly ever even find the time of day for. Not out of any kind of spite, for I wish Valerie nothing but happiness, but out of a sheer lack of interest and lack of depth in our relationship. Maybe however it's only fitting. Is that not exactly what happened to me from Lauren's point of view? Even now I would never do anything to Valerie or anyone else alive for that matter to make her go through what I've been going through for the past 2 weeks or so. I still look at Lauren's pictures and think to myself how beautiful she is, but physical attraction is not something I'm going to even try to base any type of relationship off of. Maybe the instant I see Lauren again all these notions will disappear just like pre-Iraq during the times I felt our relationship was losing some of it's steam, but this is far deeper than that. This is betrayal on every level possible, including basic friendship. How can I entirely forgive someone who completely said " Fuck Scott " when I most needed her to be faithful, if not just a good friend? It seems like all my thoughts conflict with each other, even now I read about Lauren having a little scuffle with Jared and it bothers the living shit out of me. Of course that would have pissed me off before, but I have no reason to care anymore, right?
Am I mad that it's him and not me? Maybe I'm just mad at the fact that I am unable to beat him within an inch of his life. Maybe I'm just mad at the world. I don't know anymore.
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